Why so picky with dating
This is one of those questions that you can ponder from different angles, compare the pros and cons, and still not be able to arrive at a perfectly sound answer. So let's say a client came in and asked me, "OK, there's these two people I'm thinking about dating.
One is really nice but can be a little boring sometimes, and the other one is really interesting but is all over the place--which one should I go for?
But that's the whole point: you're not going for the sure bet. And here "not making it" simply means dealing with rejection, which makes us stronger in the long-run anyway.
This reminds me of a group therapy I co-led a long time ago for people who were dealing with shyness and as part of the group we did all these embarrassing activities out in the "real world" of singing songs in public or trying to sell a free daily newspaer for to curious passersby. The whole point was to get rejected and see that the world doesn't end when that happens. But being picky instead of operating out of fear becomes a completely different way of thinking about relationships.
And then it's no longer about who I'm dating, but it becomes about what I stand to lose. Instead of a fear-based motivation, I'm always curious to hear my client's description of who they're really interested in. A lot of times people don't like thinking about the physical qualities.
"If you could go out with someone who'd really be a good fit, the ideal person, what would that person be like? "I don't want to be shallow." But physical attractiveness is not just about looks, it's about how the person is coming across.
And, as for the other one, if you're picking up signs of unpredictability and being all over the place so early on, what's up?
Why not look for someone who's safe, nice, exciting and interesting? When I share these thoughts with clients, I often get a response of, "Well, I don't want to be too picky." And I come back with, "But I want you to be picky.
I should've known better..." But I've never heard anyone say, "Boy, I should've settled more.I really should've lowered my standards." So what's going on here?Why does being picky carry such a negative connotation? And when I recently watched his latest, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona," it made me think.I'm not going to spoil the plot for you, but there's a key question that runs throughout this film.